So let's share the impact these days now bring to me. I'm losing. I'm losing by a lot no matter who wants to see it or not. Kind words and reassuring words don't fix anything, that contentment that emotes from inside me for the several seconds that the compliment is uttered fades just as quick as it arrived. I always seem to find myself in the position that i've fallen into now. This place where i wish my heart would fail on me... but it continues to beat harder than ever. I hate endulging in these affairs, i pig out on everything that is offerend, when it's something good specially when it's dabbling in people. I'm not trying to say i had it worse than anyone else but i've dealt with a lot of shit on my plate. Whether personally afflicted wounds or homicidal threats. And through all that i like to flounder in the good natured things that come my way. I tend to make my home around others because i don't really like being alone even if i say i want to be myself for a little it only means sitting in another room in the same house or sittin with someone in silence where one would read and the other would listen to music, that's my ideal alone time. I like the comfort i find when naked with someone. Nothing sexual, just being able to shower with someone and hold them in bed without the need for a mask or covering. I think curiosity and uncertainty are very sexy attributes. I like being held when i sleep. I like being held in general, i don't think i would ever get tired of it. I like to take walks in the rain. I like video games and i like cooperative play and to be kissed after we've done something good. I long to hold hands with someone while walking around in the city or anywhere. There's a comfort i find in holding hands. I think i may prefer it to kissing. I like kissing, just plain innocent kissing when it gets hardcore i tend to find it less attractive. I think the tounge is one of the least sexy parts of the body. My dream job would probably be a house wife. Waiting hand and foot on the people i love really doesn't bother me but i don't like feeling used or used out of convience or neglected because of the certainty that ill pick up the pieces. Cereal is one of my favorite things to eat cause it combines both drink and food. I like the start of relationships, before sex. Honestly, somewhat like i said before i'd rather just lay naked with someone than have sex. The human figure entices me. I like to share the ones that make me happy with others so they can experience the happy too but when i introduce them to it i can't be left behind... that's when i fail at sharing. If the new bond moves to quickly i feel threatened and i can't help that feeling. Typically that feeling won't just go away over time. Sometimes i like to just sit back and watch people interact, in the way of a wallflower. I don't really like silence between people except on long drives or when laying down. I curl people's hair, anyones, it's something i've done since i was a kid. It's a comforting tactic. I like texture. Irronically when things run too "smoothly" i get bored, i like to be challenged sometimes. I love to look at the stars at night. I love long drives. I love long drives at night that end in watching the stars. I don't really like eating out. I prefer picnics. I like to be crowded around, but i don't like to be the SOLE center of attention. I want to find someone willing to fall in love but not looking for it. I want genuine things nothing forced. I praise honesty and hate being lied to. I lie sometimes. When i lie typically, even if it doesn't seem it, i do it with someone else in mind, not myself. I don't often do things just for me, i like it when others do, in fact i kinda need that. I tend to give more of myself than i take. I like to read to someone i care about. Cause i feel like they are truly listening then. I like to hear that i'm loved. I don't like a lot of compliments, they lose their impact and meaning. I hate when people turn their back when talking, i like to look into people's eyes and to be included in conversation. I dont like it when people exaggerate and ussauly i can pick up on it. I like dancing. I can joke and take criticism but i don't like to be put down especially in a crowd. I want to meet a person who understands... i don't know what i want them to understand but i do. I like when people can admit faults.
Even when i'm not by myself i can feel so utterly displaced and alone and i'm not sure why.
Knowing myself is something that i find comforts me, hence the point of this entry...