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synthpopstarzz

[ website | Holy Shit! A Talking Muffin ]
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[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[17 Jan 2006|03:23pm]
[ mood | blank ]

... And through all that i like to flounder in the good natured things that come my way. I tend to make my home around others because i don't really like being alone even if i say i want to be myself for a little it only means sitting in another room in the same house or sittin with someone in silence where one would read and the other would listen to music, that's my ideal alone time. I like the comfort i find when naked with someone. Nothing sexual, just being able to shower with someone and hold them in bed without the need for a mask or covering. I think curiosity and uncertainty are very sexy attributes. I like being held when i sleep. I like being held in general, i don't think i would ever get tired of it. I like to take walks in the rain. I like video games and i like cooperative play and to be kissed after we've done something good. I long to hold hands with someone while walking around in the city or anywhere. There's a comfort i find in holding hands. I think i may prefer it to kissing. I like kissing, just plain innocent kissing when it gets hardcore i tend to find it less attractive. I think the tounge is one of the least sexy parts of the body. My dream job would probably be a house wife. Waiting hand and foot on the people i love really doesn't bother me but i don't like feeling used or used out of convience or neglected because of the certainty that ill pick up the pieces. Cereal is one of my favorite things to eat cause it combines both drink and food. I like the start of relationships, before sex. I like the after sex part too but things generally fall into this lullsome comfort after that. I like to be comfortable but i like to be reminded that i'm needed or appreciated. Honestly, somewhat like i said before i'd rather just lay naked with someone than have sex. The human figure entices me. I like to share the ones that make me happy with others so they can experience the happy too but when i introduce them to it i can't be left behind... that's when i fail at sharing. If the new bond moves to quickly i feel threatened and i can't help that feeling. Typically that feeling won't just go away over time. Sometimes i like to just sit back and watch people interact, in the way of a wallflower. I don't really like silence between people except on long drives or when laying down. I curl people's hair, anyones, it's something i've done since i was a kid. It's a comforting tactic. I like texture. I love to look at the stars at night. I love long drives. I love long drives at night that end in watching the stars. I don't really like eating out. I prefer picnics. I like to be crowded around, but i don't like to be the SOLE center of attention. I want to find someone willing to fall in love but not looking for it. I want genuine things nothing forced. I praise honesty and hate being lied to. Or told something that people assume will make me happy. I lie sometimes. When i lie typically, even if it doesn't seem it, i do it with someone else in mind, not myself. I don't often do things just for me, i like it when others do, in fact i kinda need that. I tend to give more of myself than i take. I like to read to someone i care about. Cause i feel like they are truly listening then. I like to hear that i'm loved. I don't like a lot of compliments, they lose their impact and meaning. But i need them still just not all the time. I hate when people turn their back when talking, i like to look into people's eyes and to be included in conversation. I dont like it when people exaggerate and ussauly i can pick up on it. I like dancing. I can joke and take criticism but i don't like to be put down especially in a crowd. I want to meet a person who understands... i don't know what i want them to understand but i do. I like when people can admit faults.

Even when i'm not by myself i can feel so utterly displaced and alone and i'm not sure why.

Knowing myself is something that i find comforts me, hence the point of this entry...


I felt the need to repost this and change it a little which may take some reupdates.

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[23 Dec 2005|04:37pm]
[ mood | Chocolickity Yum Yum ]

Ha. So i awoke today to my mom calling me to tell me that she passed her test and has thus graduated from Nursing School!!! She's an official RN now and i'm estatic for her... and me who doesn't have to help her study anymore. After that mike asked me why i was curled up like a dead baby so i attacked him and proceded to play a game called "monkey." I attach to his back and well basically pester him. He he. My mom got home and i went downstairs with my laptop so i could play "Dance Dance" by Fall Out Boy and we danced a little in celebration. I went back upstairs and my parents left to go food shopping for the first time in like a month. AND TRUST ME I"VE BEEN DYING WITHOUT THE FOOD. So me and mike played some more and then we did it a little : )(cause his butt is just so nice heh and i can't resist touching it) and then went to the cherry hill mall to get last minute christmas stuff. We visited seth as well who seemed very swamped with christmas shoppers. Oh yea and on the way to the mall.... i kinda almost killed me and mike like 12 times... from going up a curb toooooo merging badly tooooooo stopping short... heh i just get too excited sometimes and forget i'm driving is all. And now we both are home and about to go with our families to dinner for various reasons.

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[03 Dec 2005|02:55pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I decided i'm going to stay at pizza hut. Not that anyone really knew i was thinking about quiting... but now you do. I'm done christmas shopping. SO unless i see things while i'm out already i'm not going out directly to shop. Which is good cause i hate traffic. bleeehh.. i've been hardcore depressed this week... i need some good old fashioned cheering up... typically little things don't get me down, i bounce right back without much thought but when it's gets overwhelming i just kinda sink. Having fought through depression once before i know i can overcome it but i think that just kinda makes it harder for me to get out of these slumps. i need ice cream... or preferrably something else fun. Which could be whatever. I wish the tea cups were open still...

2 comments|post comment

Sometimes it's best to just let the roses stop and smell you... [05 Apr 2005|09:53pm]
[ mood | Happy and Hopeful ]

I had a nice drive home from Ultimate Frisbee.

I'm liking things a lot.

People are well and it's just well.


if you haven't noticed i don't update much... and that's not gonna change lol

but i'm happy i'm stopping on a high note.

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Who's in the Toliet with you.... it's Pooh ... that's who [21 Mar 2005|12:10pm]
[ mood | Thinking Back ]

i feel pretty refreshed this morning, but i kinda can't help but feel a little hole deep in my stomach. Despite the normal response to this just being the black hole that my food intake goes to, it's more. I don't know what happened and why it happened so quickly. Intervening thoughts seemed to take over. I miss, yes i'm being as indirect as possible and possibly even shady when using the pronoun, it. For that being hard to follow i'll repeat that statement without the mid-comment. I miss it. I miss them so much. Despite the intense drama that seemed to raise up at random times, i miss it. I guess i can't really be the one to comment on this because it wasn't necessarily my drama but i was willing to help soothe that aspect. I was happier with it then. And at first you wouldn't think it but just look. Those familiar faces that i noticed before are becoming less familiar. The points of being a "wallflower" at times can suck a lot. Cause that's when i pick it up. I feel like because of it all i'm gonna start falling into old habits or find myself in an old sitcom that i used to dabble with. ( on a positive note i just got a new interview at pizza hut ) "I will call people by different names or generic names becasue i don't want you to find me" or do I? It'd be so much easier to have everything on the table. But then again would it really be "me" perse or just me speaking on impulse. I never dealt well with things that could possibly be overwhelming or are able to make that much of an impact on me. But i feel that the more i try and handle the situation the less i get from myself and the more i'm just lying to myself. Honestly in the words of a great man :')~ "you gotta look out for number 1" I'm still building on myself, building my strengths and confidence, and i'm not gonna let myself fall back into that hole i found myself in before. Even if it pertains to things i may regret later, i'm not letting myself down again. Maybe one day i'll come out with an entry that lacks this intense pronoun party. But until then i guess i'll see if things fall into place on their own. i had things where it was me just being a brat but those go away after a little... this isn't going away. I'm not benefiting from the situation at all so i guess that adds to it as well. but none the less. I miss it


PS ~ this doesn't necessarily pertain to one event

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well it's been a bit of a roller coaster jane, but the pork sure is good [19 Mar 2005|03:16pm]
[ mood | jumbled ]

So let's share the impact these days now bring to me. I'm losing. I'm losing by a lot no matter who wants to see it or not. Kind words and reassuring words don't fix anything, that contentment that emotes from inside me for the several seconds that the compliment is uttered fades just as quick as it arrived. I always seem to find myself in the position that i've fallen into now. This place where i wish my heart would fail on me... but it continues to beat harder than ever. I hate endulging in these affairs, i pig out on everything that is offerend, when it's something good specially when it's dabbling in people. I'm not trying to say i had it worse than anyone else but i've dealt with a lot of shit on my plate. Whether personally afflicted wounds or homicidal threats. And through all that i like to flounder in the good natured things that come my way. I tend to make my home around others because i don't really like being alone even if i say i want to be myself for a little it only means sitting in another room in the same house or sittin with someone in silence where one would read and the other would listen to music, that's my ideal alone time. I like the comfort i find when naked with someone. Nothing sexual, just being able to shower with someone and hold them in bed without the need for a mask or covering. I think curiosity and uncertainty are very sexy attributes. I like being held when i sleep. I like being held in general, i don't think i would ever get tired of it. I like to take walks in the rain. I like video games and i like cooperative play and to be kissed after we've done something good. I long to hold hands with someone while walking around in the city or anywhere. There's a comfort i find in holding hands. I think i may prefer it to kissing. I like kissing, just plain innocent kissing when it gets hardcore i tend to find it less attractive. I think the tounge is one of the least sexy parts of the body. My dream job would probably be a house wife. Waiting hand and foot on the people i love really doesn't bother me but i don't like feeling used or used out of convience or neglected because of the certainty that ill pick up the pieces. Cereal is one of my favorite things to eat cause it combines both drink and food. I like the start of relationships, before sex. Honestly, somewhat like i said before i'd rather just lay naked with someone than have sex. The human figure entices me. I like to share the ones that make me happy with others so they can experience the happy too but when i introduce them to it i can't be left behind... that's when i fail at sharing. If the new bond moves to quickly i feel threatened and i can't help that feeling. Typically that feeling won't just go away over time. Sometimes i like to just sit back and watch people interact, in the way of a wallflower. I don't really like silence between people except on long drives or when laying down. I curl people's hair, anyones, it's something i've done since i was a kid. It's a comforting tactic. I like texture. Irronically when things run too "smoothly" i get bored, i like to be challenged sometimes. I love to look at the stars at night. I love long drives. I love long drives at night that end in watching the stars. I don't really like eating out. I prefer picnics. I like to be crowded around, but i don't like to be the SOLE center of attention. I want to find someone willing to fall in love but not looking for it. I want genuine things nothing forced. I praise honesty and hate being lied to. I lie sometimes. When i lie typically, even if it doesn't seem it, i do it with someone else in mind, not myself. I don't often do things just for me, i like it when others do, in fact i kinda need that. I tend to give more of myself than i take. I like to read to someone i care about. Cause i feel like they are truly listening then. I like to hear that i'm loved. I don't like a lot of compliments, they lose their impact and meaning. I hate when people turn their back when talking, i like to look into people's eyes and to be included in conversation. I dont like it when people exaggerate and ussauly i can pick up on it. I like dancing. I can joke and take criticism but i don't like to be put down especially in a crowd. I want to meet a person who understands... i don't know what i want them to understand but i do. I like when people can admit faults.

Even when i'm not by myself i can feel so utterly displaced and alone and i'm not sure why.

Knowing myself is something that i find comforts me, hence the point of this entry...

4 comments|post comment

[19 Mar 2005|04:32am]
[ mood | spaced ]

my last entry went awry a little lol. My point was orginally that i build this dome around people, i put so much of my emotions into them and in the end i feel cheated. It always seems to end in this heartbreak. I feel like I'm starting to run out of places to build my home.

everyone seems two-faced. everyone appears fake.

everyone seems to "try and sleep with that person at the party because they know they can"

some Perks for you

this entry is backdated because i didn't want it to be my most recent

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that frame of memories lies dead at my feet [18 Mar 2005|12:24pm]
[ mood | little bit of anger/depression ]

whatever

[18 Mar 2005|04:10am]
[ mood | blank ]

the present is just a pleasant interuption to the past

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we can each get half... [14 Mar 2005|04:28am]
[ mood | just plain fucking fantastic ]

I am just plain good. I smiled while driving home, just a nothing smile that i couldn't not do. I ran away this weekend... and it felt unbelieveable to just get away from everything. I won't say what i did cause i just don't feel the need to explain it. Words really wouldn't be adequate. I felt weightless... It was such a well needed break from all the shit that's been on my mind. Not once did or have i felt like an extra wheel... I feel like i play with a second family. Ian, i want to especially thank you for doing this for me... for being apart of my life again. You have no idea how much hope you've given me, or how much you've changed things that have been encircling me. It's been a bad week and honestly this was amazing.

Well i'm home again. Interview tomorrow at Eckerd... let's hope i keep this job if i get it : )

4 comments|post comment

why is this happening again? [12 Mar 2005|03:02pm]
[ mood | just there ]

...i don't want to do this anymore...

It seems like when i start these things, my life goes awry [10 Mar 2005|02:51am]
[ mood | overwhelmed ]

Mom and I splitting apart, rather torn apart... it wasn't gradual Ron and I falling out "Do you really feel like apart of this family anymore?" i don't know what i'm supposed to do about that. I mean my mom studies non stop... we don't play ever anymore... my brother is getting engaged and even when he comes down to visit... we don't see one another... i sit online upstairs alone so yea i'm gonna go out. I get that question because i fell asleep when i was asked to pull weeds... WTF they could have woken me up. To be honest no matter how pissed i get about this situation... i'm honestly crushed... Red Lobster... i really wanted to be a waiter like ever since i started job searching... i felt so fucking overwhelmed with just the learning process... i got physically ill today before work and seriuosly went insane... i went back to my high school to talk to my guidance counsler! And ended up going to ian's harry potter class. which was well interesting but like i don't know who to turn to or go to. I don't know what to do. That's not normal and like i've been doing good... or have i? My excess fines are of course adding to my stress... not that i'm opposed to having a job just one that takes up all your time. I have friends that i adore... i want to be with them specially since i love the ones i have at this point more than i've ever loved before. (no offense to anyone) Maybe that's part of my problem with a job... i never really had friends that i went to all the time that i actually felt like secure with. Just the fact that i really do have to think about the future and having my paretns on top of that 24/7. I just want to go off and live on an island with my friends and just be there forever, No worries or anything... just live off stuff with them. whatever, mediocre jobs whatever to get food and stuff but just be with them and not have to deal with outside assholes or anyone of those fucking corporate entrepeneurs that don't see employees as individual people but as a profit. I hate so much about how things are run and i guess i have a problem with... " well that's just how it is " i can't take that for an answer.... i really need to work from home. i really should just become a writer. maybe that's where all this is leading me too. if i publish one book and i become sucessful... then like... i'm set. i'll put a lot away and save it and just use necessary... i really don't need something fancy. i'm content with seeing my friends and going to the beach and dinner with them. That's all i really need. i just want simplicity... nothing exotic... i just want to be happy ... really overall content with how things are............................................ wtf

[06 Mar 2005|11:12am]
[ mood | Look at that high face ]

i COULD update... i guess

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...it surprises me sometimes that living is the popular choice... [02 Mar 2005|07:29pm]
[ mood | i'm just there ]

...if it was my choice, why do i feel this way...

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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall... Humpty Dumpty had a great fall [02 Mar 2005|01:35pm]
[ mood | what the eff is that face ]

i'm not excited

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[27 Feb 2005|10:42am]
[ mood | meh ]

frisbee is an all american sport not intended for fags.... same with basketball... less of course things on the course get heated and you have to take it to the shower

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Time for the Perk-u-late-tor [26 Feb 2005|04:40pm]
[ mood | Super Okay ]

welll my orientation went well which is good. I like two of the girls that i'm being "orientated" with and the rest of the managers seem super ok minus the main SM i guess i dunno the only guy leader i think i just don't do well with male figure heads... take them as being less ... hmmm sympathetic to things. None the less it was good and i'm happy cause i have medical which was a big reason my mom has been on my back so much. O two problems solved. I'm excited to start. Ha they even gave us food cause they were short staffed and started us late. In otherwards i was an hour late to work or would have been if i hadn't called out. Heh so if anyone asks i'm sad because my aunt is in the hospital. I have to say i think i'd give myself an a for that performance. I brought out the subtle tears in the beggining and let them come more by the end. O whoa is me. lol What's even better is that i can take off other days as well due to this situation. Heh.

Despite there only being 3 entries and 1 of them being super depressed, i'm not typically and i have lots to be happy about. Super lots. I guess as things turn over and new events are successfully accomplished i seem to ease up. Guess you all will have to just plain put up with it : )

My parents are getting me pizza for dinner since i got the job and it was successful in accomplishing things and all.

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Requiem for lost Diary Days [26 Feb 2005|12:33am]
[ mood | blah ]

I really hate these kind of entries
but i spose having a journal
is so that you can write about the things
that happen in life,


i just hate days like these.


Since this is my first i'll say it this once, i disable the ability to comment on entries such as these... i don't like pity comments and that sort of thing doesn't change anything really anyawy.

Honestly i can handle stress and all that but i just don't do well when things come and overwhelm me. But i guess it doesn't take much for me to be taken over. Typically i'm a super happy person when it comes to anything but i guess i hate the "typical". To be honest sometimes i feel like i'm not allowed to feel not ok. Like i don't deserve it. I just don't feel like i'm right to feel the way i do. Guess that doesn't make sense.... doesn't really make sense to me when i re-read the page. I'm sorry if this entry is so sparce and uninforming but i don't like putting exact thoughts in when it comes to being depressed. I hate feeling like i'm, in a way, compeating for things. *pause* I don't like feeling like i have to be something else for anything. *pause* i'm learning to read how i feel in situations a litle more too.. but that makes me bitter sometimes and i don't like that bitterness... etc... etc... etc...
I'm adaptive and i tend to follow with things but that's not what i mean with change. I don't like feeling like something about me isn't good for a particular situation. My new job for instance, i hate that i had to re-dye my hair, shave facial hair, trim side burns, and in the end lost my lip ring due to an impressive healing factor. I still have a labret but you know. I feel gross. And i guess if it matters that much to me i should'nt have taken the job. But there's a lot of benefits from it. Like waitering pays well, and like i'm being taken in with no experience which is good too... i'll have something new under my belt but i still feel so gross. *conceited thought* I was getting somewhat confident in my looks before *end thought* but it got shot down a lot in the past day. And no this isn't all superficial bull shit that i'm getting worked up over. I just feel so happy sometimes and then feel like it's gonna change. AND I HATE CHANGE. *brutally honest thought coming* sometimes i feel like people like me because and only because i'm attractive, so i guess that's why this is issue-ful enough to be put in here. I'm confident in some things but "my ability to keep people intersted" is one i'm not. But i think i know where that stems from. Honestly i don't think i'm hot shit or "or anything to write home about" but i guess with enough encouragement i've learned enough to know i'm not the worst thing to look at. Aside from that between my job situation, and debating to take two or one or whatever... like if i like going then yea it won't be bad butt... i like to be able to rest and i'd rather go with my friends then work... and yes i know that's everyone but still ... i just, shutup...
i like how there's things on my mind and of course i pick the two pettiest things to elaborate on but they're the ones that won't affect anyone i guess.. I'm really bad with these online journals

Do you ever "Dream to Make Believe"? I like to sometimes........and now that i feel like a stupid girl i'm gonna go to bed because i'm crying, because i'm dumb, and i'd rather stop.

Man meets Lobster... and the Lobster kinda won out but still the man is happy [24 Feb 2005|04:34pm]
[ mood | super good ]

After a tiring night at 80s night, having worked from 2 to close and then immediatly afterwards having to go and shake my groove thing, YES I HAD TO. I was made or my life was threatened of death by a thousand bees. Or one angry Ian. But anyway this week was so much better than last cause the DJ being different i think had something to do with it. Anyway we returned to Barnes and Noble afterwards and had a mini dance party of Symptom Finger, Beating Heart Baby, and Fucking on the Dance Floor in the parking lot because no one tops our dance parties. My Dancing Shoes were on in full at that point.
Having been exhausted from the past few days i went to sleep rather quickly and snored... a whole lot. *Blush*
SO i had two interviews today. My first was at H and M, it was my second interview, The Group Interview. We built things with legos, threw a ball to each other and build a house out of blocks all at the same time... and despite how much that sounds like something i'd make up, it's not... i think they plan on black mailing us later. I hope i get the job it looked really fun and i like the people there a lot. My second one was at Red Lobster if you hadn't guessed from my title or away message for those of you lucky enough to see it. : ) (aka anyone since it's in my userinfo, i think) After taking a test and passing it i was told to "conform to the man" by removing my piercings and such and then they would welcome me aka i'm hired! They said they'd be willing to give me the experience becasue they liked my personality. I go back tomorrow with my new look. Bleh that kinda sucks but honestly i really am looking forward to waiting. WOO WOO!

Guess i'll go chill with Mister Ed and Toucan Sam now they're kinda hard to get a hold of so i don't want to keep them waiting any longer... wonder if we're gonna go into the city tonight again.

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1, 2 Buckle my shoe [22 Feb 2005|11:01am]
[ mood | Super Happy ]

~Insert Story Here~

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